…and trying to find it again
I’ve written previously about how tough a year this has been. Rachel continues to suffer with post viral fatigue and the impact upon our whole family has been huge. In truth, as a family we’ve had a really tough few years related to the various ongoing health issues with Rachel and our eldest daughter, Eloise.
In many ways, I’ve been the lucky one. I’ve not suffered physically like they have at all. At the same time, it’s agonising watching those you love suffer. And, particularly this year, my life has become swamped with keeping our lives afloat while Rachel recovers.
One result of this is that my creativity has suffered. I’m naturally a visionary, futuristic, and imaginative person. That’s how I’m wired. Ideas and inventiveness are second nature to me. Or, at least, they used to be.
As life has become so all-consuming and overwhelming, I’ve felt somewhat lost. And when my creative juices aren’t flowing, I start to feel down and lose my sense of perspective. That’s how I contribute to the world. More importantly, that’s when I feel most alive.
Losing my creative mojo has knocked the wind out of my sails. And the impact of this is not just on me. The groups and organisations where I work and serve have all ended up losing out from what I usually bring to the mix.
I’ve managed to avoid – for the most part – feeling guilty about this, but for my own sake and for the people I work and serve with, I’ve been longing to find my mojo again.
Well, I say that. But in truth, it’s only in the last month that even the desire to find it again has re-emerged. For months now I know I’ve been drifting, living in survival mode.
In recent weeks though I’ve begun to feel my creative juices starting stir again. I’ve been immersing myself in more books. My craving to learn and grow has begun to return. And yes, this venture into daily blogging is part of my wanting – no, needing – to reboot my creative side.
I don’t have any particular lessons to share at this point. They may come in time. But I’m keen with my writing to capture much of my life journey as it’s happening.
It’s easy to end up only ever writing with hindsight and then always explain everything with know-it-all how-to points for others. But sometimes I think there’s benefit in simply recording the journey while it’s still unfolding.
And that’s what this is. I hope simply that a few of you reading this might find some encouragement and resonance if you are in a similar situation.
The only insight I will share at this point is to say that, as I write this, nothing about my circumstances has changed. But I am changing. And I’m learning how to manage how I live and function in the midst of this situation.